FINDING MY WAY

There are so many things ‘out there’ when you start looking around. It is so easy to get caught up in this or that. You start thinking… I can do that! Or, wow, that looks cool, how do I measure up? During a time of transition, it is easy to get off course, especially when you don’t have a clear ending point or goal. I find that I have a general direction and I have long-term things I want to accomplish but I don’t have the “hows” all figured out. I have learned to be okay with that AND to let things manifest. To be aware of them and to act on them when they show up. 

It may sound maddening and even as I type it, it sounds a little like crazy talk but it’s true. The less I have tried to control things and work out every detail the more things (opportunities, realizations, and epiphanies) have presented themselves. And every time it is becoming easier and easier to trust myself to act on them.

I have rounded a year in my second career phase (my first one ended on October 31, 2019, when I retired from public service work after nearly 30 years). I have often felt so lost and equally as often I have felt sure of my next steps, it all depended on the day, sometimes on the hour. Early on, I made a proclamation, to whoever was open to hearing it… “Allow me the grace and awareness to recognize things when they appear and the wisdom to act on them.” 

I go through phases when I remember this wholeheartedly and then others when it is the furthest thing from my mind. But the one thing I have realized is when I stop all the monkeys in my mind and just slow down and be human, things happen. Opportunities present themselves, I meet people I hadn’t seen in years and we have conversations that affirm thought or ideas that I’ve been pondering. These are the affirmations I asked to come into my world and my realization of them is the answer to my proclamation. 

Many times I have to remind myself to get out of my own way and let things be. So my challenge to you is to find the awareness to know when you are getting in your own way. To realize when you are fighting against a thing that is trying to emerge in your life. To accept it, act on it and bask in the emotions that it will bring. The emotion that will probably come first is fear, simply because this is a new action you will be taking but I bet that very quickly, excitement, enthusiasm and probably some anxiety will come along too… all of these are signs that you are on the right track!

I urge you to keep, keeping on! Believe in yourself and know that more things in this world are on your side than things that are against you. Trust. Believe. Act. 

#onward

I’m on a Journey. Come with me.

Hi! My name is Audrey and I’m happy you found me here. Today, I am 46 years old, I’m very happily married to an amazing and supportive partner.  I live in beautiful Santa Fe, New Mexico. I have three biological sons, six step-children and one other beautiful soul that I also call my son. So, yup, there are 10 kids in our immediate family plus their significant others (current and former), several grandkids, plus a few close friends. I also have a huge immediate family; my mom, brother and sister, their families plus about 100 aunts, uncles and cousins. It’s a lot of family and they all really mean so much to me.  Unfortunately, my dad passed away in 2009 and that loss impacts me on a regular basis. (Tomorrow is his birthday so maybe he is pushing me to post this today.)

I recently finished a career in public service after nearly 30 years. It was wonderful! I met so many amazing people, I helped them and they helped me. I spent my formative years focused on community outreach, helping people and organizations grow and find their way in, primarily in marketing and development. I really enjoyed my work and the people I worked with. It wasn’t always easy and I have tried to look at the challenging times and experiences as opportunities for growth. “What is this trying to teach me?” “What am I supposed to learn from this?” “Why does this keep happening? I’m obviously not learning the lesson here. Help me to see it, please”

I have always been one to learn from others and I’m not shy about reaching out for support. I’m that person who asks questions at the end of a presentation (please don’t hate me!) but  understanding is key for me. I want to ‘get it’ and understand the ‘why’. If I’m expected to be involved in something and I don’t understand the ‘why’ I’ll do it but I won’t be fully invested going into it. My passion may develop over the course of the project but it really helps me to have buy-in from the beginning. This has taught me that believing in something is essential for me to be intrinsically motivated.

For the past five years I worked with an amazing coach, Kelly Wendorf and her company Equus. I knew my career in public service would be coming to an end in 2018 and I knew I had more to give to the world; heck, I’m just beginning! From my time with Kelly I realized that I wanted to continue to help people grow; specifically, people who have a desire to grow and improve themselves. This is where the idea of Momentum Santa Fe was ignited.

For the past couple of years I have been fleshing out the details of it all. The business plan, the marketing plan, what my ideal day would look like, my offerings, desired clientele and the associated feelings with it all. It was feeling great, until it started happening.

When the calendar turned to 2018, reality started to sink in. The finish line marked in the sand was still there and I was still moving closer to it, but now I could see it in the distance. As, time started passing the line got closer, I did all the work preparing to cross over it and then, suddenly, I was on the other side of the line. I did it! I crossed over (yay, me!). Now, I looked out at the landscape, I was still on a beach, there was still an ocean out on the horizon but no longer with a line in front of me. In fact, only opportunity was ahead of me, vast miles of opportunity and it was paralyzing!

In hindsight I recognize that I didn’t really think through the transition. I didn’t think about the feelings of losing the structure I had always had, the people I had been surrounded by, day-in and day-out. I didn’t think about how that would feel.

So, for the past several months I have been working to try to understand my new reality. On the surface it seems simple… I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want to do. But think about it for a second, for the past 30 years of my work life I have had an agenda (goals to accomplish for my employer all laid out in a jam-packed calendar, I had a job to do-for someone else) and for the 16 years before that I was a kid, also following an agenda (go to school, do homework, eat right, sleep well, etc.) to suddenly not have all of that is a little unsettling.  

I am blessed to have super supportive family and friends, I truly am. They have been amazing and always there for me when I reach out. But, they each have their own lives and they have their own things going on. So, this journey has been a bit lonely at times, even though I know I’m supported.

I’ve called on trusted advisors, my coach, my psychotherapist, select members of my family and select members of my tribe. I have a beautiful, but small tribe, of amazing friends who have been walking this path alongside of me, while also going through their own transitions. We are learning from each other and I know, sometime soon, we will look back at this time and we will be stronger for it all but, man, it is challenging right now.

I share all of this with your in an effort to provide context and an introduction into my life today. Moreover, I am inviting you to come with me on this journey. I am going places, I have some guideposts  in the distance and I am walking the path to reach each one, or to explore other ones I see in other directions. This is a journey of creativity, life and personal growth. This is a real story being written day-to-day, and I want to share with you.

I don’t have all the answers, heck, I don’t even know some of the questions! But, I have confidence, belief and faith that I will get through this, I will find my momentum (pun intended) and when I look back at this time, 20 years from now, I will see a beautiful growth experience.

Please consider this your personal invitation to join me. Feel free to reach out and share your personal stories and growth experiences either here and on social media. I hope through this experience we can grow together as we travel this path, remember, Always Forward Never Straight.

Let’s go!

#onward

WHEN YOU ARE IN IT.

Sometimes it’s hard to see it when you are in the middle of it. For years I have reminded my husband about “putting it out there”. The concept being that the thoughts, ideas, visions, dreams, and words you express often attract those things to happen, you manifest them. I have seen it over and over and believe it to be true.

Over the past few months I have been going through a huge overarching, rainbow-type transition with many smaller, yet significant raindrop-type transitions happening all around me. It has been a time that I knew was coming, heck, I initiated it! I thought I was prepared; I bought a rain jacket and galoshes for goodness sakes. To some degree I was prepared but I definitely wasn’t prepared for the vast impact of it all. I was planning for a thunderstorm and I’m having a hurricane-type experience.

I’m working through my transition and entering into a new phase, entrepreneurship. I already buttoned up the business paperwork and all the logistics of that but now comes the vulnerability part. Submitting my first proposal to a potential client.

I have done this a million times in my work career but it has been in a different context, I worked for a large entity (government) that paid my salary, benefits and I utilized their resources to do my work. Now, I am that entity! And, I’m needing other people to pay my salary, help me pay for my benefits and resources. It is so logical but so mind blowing!

In drafting the proposal and determining my rate, essentially the monetary value of my services it was hard to put a number to it. Being a public servant for 27 years had put me in a position of being able to help people that needed my help, regardless of their ability to pay. I was talking through this rate conundrum with my coach and she said to me “what number is rolling around inside of you?” “I blurted out a number that felt okay, $100.” Her reply was “Actually, your services are worth (insert a number many times more than my number) in the private sector.” I lost my breath for a brief moment. I have known this, her number wasn’t something new, in-fact it was what is listed in my business offerings document that I created months ago. It was just now, that I am in it, it was difficult to remember. In that moment, it was difficult to process that “my services” “my expertise” “my offerings” are of that monetary value to others. It took me a minute to think this through and remember what I know, I am worth it! I am worth that monetary expense to client. I am of value. I know they will see it, even if this first client doesn’t.

Okay, see what I just did here? I just put it out there that my first proposal is going to be met with push back. That I am going to feel rejection. This is fear talking. It’s okay to be fearful, in fact, I think it would be crazy if I wasn’t afraid, at least a little. I had a moment of thinking that I should edit out that statement and reword it to be positive and attracting what I want but it’s important to share how easily those thoughts flow into our narrative.

This morning my husband gently said to me “a wise person often reminds me about the things that I put out there. And, now I am passing along that wisdom and reminding you about what you are putting out there with the hopes to raise your awareness and increase your wisdom.” “Oh wow, I didn’t even realize what I’ve been doing. I have been so deep in “it” that I haven’t had the space to realize what I have been putting out there. Thank you for the reminder.” “You are welcome, that what we do for each other. But usually, it’s you reminding me. I’m happy I can remind you every once in a while.”

Thank you for another day to grow. Have a great day, remember to drink your water so you can continue to grow too! #onward

FAKING IT UNTIL YOU DON’T MAKE IT…

We've all heard the phrase, fake it til' you make it, right? I've lived by this motto for many things in my life and most times it works out. But what happens when it doesn't? What happens when you are faced with the reality that you just aren't making it?

We never go into something expecting to fail, a marriage, a job, a venture... we say 'yes' because we believe we can do it, we believe we can make it work and be successful. Sometimes we aren't exactly sure how but we know we can, so we jump. We hit walls, we have struggles, we have breakthroughs and realizations, we learn, we grow and we make it. But there are times when the strides we are making just aren't enough. The partners we have just don't gel and our ideas don't meld. We begin to see the damage, we begin to see things falling apart all around us, we begin to think... is this right? Because it doesn't feel right, it feels awful, painful and sad. Two choices begin to emerge, to do something or not.

We can continue to try faking it or we can sit back and have a heart to heart with ourselves. (side note: be careful if you decide to reach out to friends because we tend to reach out for people who will tell us what we want to hear, not what we know we need to hear. The truth.) During our heart to heart we share bits of truth but we find ourselves sharing more excuses and grasping for justification. If we listen closely we begin to hear ourselves blaming everyone else and not truly looking inside, because it's painful. It's hard to take a honest look in the mirror, we might not like what we see. Now, another decision has to be made, to keep looking and dig deeper or decide we've had enough and look away. 

It is okay if you decide to look away, only if you make another choice. And that choice is to stop faking it an truly walk away. Stop the agony, stop the dread and the stress of trying to make this work and find something else because this simply didn't work out. Not for a lack of trying, not for a lack of desire but it just didn't work out and that's okay. If you say "NO!" then you are ready to stay looking in that mirror of truth and start doing the work to "make it". 

Remember, that not everything works out but we have an opportunity to learn something from experience. Often, we learn the most from the painful ones. We cannot keep repeating our same actions and expecting different results in our lives. We are created to learn and grow, honor that mandate.

My hope is that you are brave and choose to do the work to begin to figure out what you learned from this experience. Working with a good therapist or coach is worth their weight in gold so don't hesitate to reach out for professional help. It's always scary to reach out but take the risk with a positive spirit and you be glad you did.

This is all part of the journey of life... onward, friends.

SEARCHING FOR WISDOM

You are bogged down, living by your calendar, unsure of your next move until you hear that 'ding'. You feel the pressure, you know you only have 15 minutes before you have to switch to a different task and you haven't quite finished the one you are currently working on. It feels like finishing things just isn't a reality these days. Reality is just moving forward, working on something so you can wok on the next thing. 

You are running with a momentum that you are on the verge of toppling over. You are moving faster than your legs can carry you, faster than you can think sometimes. The pressure of needing to take a vacation, needing to take time off looms stronger and stronger. You know you need to but when? How? You bit the bullet and you make reservations and plans to take time off to recharge so you can be better when you come back. 

You work hard to set things up so the wheels don't fall off while you are away. You determine priorities based on time and what you can push yourself to finish before you board that plane. You work until the very end, until you just have to stop. You resolve yourself to only check email when you have service or you tell yourself that you won't be checking it at all, essentially you lie to yourself.

It takes a few days for you to finally decompress. You stop thinking that you feel your phone vibrating in your pocket. You stop thinking that you hear your phone ringing in the distance. You finally stop reaching for your phone to "check the time" several times an hour. And, if you are lucky will will finally stop reaching for your pocket to feel for your phone each time you leave  place, needing to make sure you didn't leave your lifeline behind.

You are finally there. Finally you have reached your destination and you are enjoying the moments of being in the now, being present and enjoying the things that you have been working so hard to be able to experience. You made it! And then, it creeps back in... you realize that return to reality is eminent. But something is different. 

You are very aware of the distractions that were so much a part of your everyday life back home. You don't want to go back to the place you were, in your mind. You love your job and you want to get back to it but not with the stress and dread. But how?

You are sitting and thinking, your mind has taken you back to the office, your shoulders feel it, your heart feels it and your neck is screaming "NO!" And, you haven't even checked in for your flight, in fact your don't have to for two more days! Let's get a reality check here! There must be things we can do... there has to be! Right?

Right, there is. Write down the sensations you are feeling. Think deep down and explore where they are coming from. Are they from fear of missing a deadline and the possible consequence? Are they from just trying to manage a busy calendar? Are they from unknown tasks that might be piled on your by your boss when you get back? Really, think and write down what you are feeling and why. You will be amazed! 

Save that list and let's talk about it the next time we see each other. These are the guideposts that we will use to get you back home, safe and sound. It's real and it is possible!

FROM SURREAL TO REAL

Around 2006, I casually decided that I should really take a look at my retirement scenario, I would be able to retire in about ten years and I wanted to set myself up in a way that left me comfortable so I wouldn’t have to run out and get another job, like I have seen so many others have to do.  I sat back and said, “I can see myself managing people, more than just managing projects. I know how to do this, I’m a mom and I’ve herded my share of cats and I've gotten things done. I can do this.” I continued to work and when opportunities appeared to learn and grow, I took them.  The first big job opportunity came and I threw my hat in the ring, and it worked out, I got the job! But, unfortunately, I lost a longtime friend in the process (that’s a story for another time). 

A few years later, 2011 another opportunity came and again, I spoke up, I expressed my interest and sold myself, and guess what... I got the job! Managing more people, responsible for a greater budget and I was doing well. I built a team and we were having successes. We were systematically setting goals and achieving them. More over, we were having success beyond success, my team was happy, they were enjoying their jobs and we all got along well. We were all working hard, really hard but It was great. 

Fast forward to December 2014. An unexpected transition was happening in my workplace, opportunity was presenting itself again but this time it felt wrong. I was leaving in a few days for a month-long personal adventure overseas, I was stunned that the transition was even happening and it felt overwhelming but something told me to take the risk. I said ‘what the heck, what will it hurt? The worst they can tell me is no but I won't know if I don't try.” I expressed my interest in a role that would thrust me into top tier management, I aimed high, I left on my trip and didn’t worry about it. When I returned to work six weeks later I interviewed for the job and shortly thereafter I was told that while I wasn’t the ideal candidate for the position I had applied for, they offered me a different one. I aimed for the moon and landed among the stars. This was okay. 

I entered an arena that I didn’t have specific experience in. I had to learn, a lot. I struggled but I grew and I didn’t give up, even on the days when I was counting down to my retirement and I was on the verge of calling it quits, I didn’t. I had a long-term vision still looming out there and the Universe wasn’t going to let me forget it. For eighteen months I learned to love my new role, not with the same passion as I loved my prior twenty years but love still the same. And then, something unexpected happened. The Universe answered a prayer that I forgot I was chanting. 

I went in for my performance review with a small expectation of an increase in pay and I walked out with an offer! The opportunity would land me squarely on the Moon that I had originally shot for and missed! The job I had originally applied for was now being offered to me! It was surreal. I did have some work to do but the stars were aligning and it was up to me to sell myself, again. So I did and within 24 hours I received a formal offer! And, I took it!

It was all very surreal and emotional. That afternoon, I was driving home and I had this strange urge to stop by the cemetery where my dad is buried. This is particularly strange because in the 7 years he’s been gone, I’ve stopped at the cemetery less than 5 times, it’s just not my thing, until that afternoon. I quietly walked over to his site, sat down and as I was cleaning the dirt off his headstone I glanced over at his neighbor. The moment I realized that I was looking my grandmother's gravesite tears began to fall from my eyes. I was overwhelmed with emotion; suddenly I could feeling their pride in me but I could feel my grandmother. I could feel her pride, I could feel her touch and I could feel that I was carrying her somehow. So many of her struggles were lifted because of my accomplishment. For decades she struggled to provide for her family as a single mother with a sixth grade education. She vowed to teach her daughters how to be strong, how to not rely on others to make things happen, how to believe in themselves and just do it. And I just had. I sat in silence with my the love of my dad and my grandmother holding me.

As I started to drive out of the cemetery I glanced over to the older section of the property. I clearly remembered walking through this older part with my dad, holding his hand, walking to find the gravesite of his parent's. I remembered him telling me that they were buried next to a tree. When I found the tree and saw my grandparent's joint headstone the emotions hit again. The reality that I am here because of them, I am alive because of them, I achieved this career goal because of their genetic strength. That strength physically runs through my body with each breath I take. This afternoon I was called to them in a most humble way, to sit in gratitude and appreciation with them, with my ancestors. It was beautiful. 

I am grateful for everyone who has contributed to this day becoming a reality. All the experiences I have had so far have brought me to this day and I look forward as the rest of my path unfolds in front of me. 

With light steps, an optimistic spirit and the blood of my ancestors, I welcome you! Let us journey together my friends.